Tag: review

Raising Children, Living Well, and How to Forgive

I’m home, after another long day at BYU Education Week full of back-to-back classes – freaking a little bit inside that I have to leave again in less than seven hours.  Already feeling the lack of sleep (I’m a nine hour a night kind of gal), I had to duck out of a class today and catch some z’s on the grass…

Grass Nap

As you can see – not looking my best.  I can’t, in good conscience, sacrifice one extra minute of sleep to slab any amount of make up on my face.  I definitely value my sleep more than that!  (I should, however, touch up my roots soon…)

Here’s my view:

View from the grass

Some more brief thoughts on forgiveness, and how to help us forgive…

  • Rediscover the humanity of the person who hurt us.
  • Surrender our right to get even.
  • Revise our feelings.
  • Realize forgiving and reunion are not the same thing.
  • Realize you can love someone for their infinite worth and potential as a human being and child of God, without having them qualify for your trust or friendship.

Love that last one.  Like I’ve mentioned, I don’t really struggle with forgiveness (anymore) because of all the work I’ve done with that in the past.  I forgive easily – mostly, I don’t even need to forgive because I choose not to take offense in the first place.  However, that last bullet point speaks to me and I could use this in real life situations.  One thing I do struggle with, is boundaries when someone has abused my trust.

On raising children….

Children develop good self worth and self satisfaction when they accomplish hard things – not when they are placated with constant undue and unearned praise, which creates entitlement monsters.

So instead of throwing around praise for the simplest things, praise them for working hard and accomplishing things they didn’t think they could do.  This will teach a child to recognize the pride in working hard and accomplishment.

On living life well….

“Trials are God’s veiled angels to us.”

“What we call disappointments, are only not God’s appointments.”

– Alfred Edersheim

For reasons I can’t explain right now, I feel deeply akin to Alfred Edersheim and am thrilled to have been exposed to his life and works.

Related posts:

Regular Flirting Brings Magic Into Marriage
I Want God, Not My Idea of God.
~{ I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me }~

Forgiveness Part II | Infertility | and a Jewish Scholar

Utah Landscape

Day 2:  BYU Education Week

I just got home from a long day of back-to-back classes, out the door at 7am and just home now – almost 10:30.  It was a wonderful day, but I’m so spent and my brain is mush – so all I can do is give some highlights.

* * * Forgiveness * * *

Very interesting that I posted yesterday on forgiving loved ones after my mind ran wild during a class on how to write your family history… because today, I ended up in a class called, “Finding Healthy Forgiveness”.  In order to get a free pass for the week, I chose to volunteer a little bit of my time each day by hosting a class (welcoming guests, answering questions, directing traffic, etc.), and this was the class that I was assigned to.  How apropos.

Some might think I am insensitive to those who have been victimized because of my logical ability to forgive so easily, and to encourage others to do the same.  This class reminded me of many valuable points.  But first, I want to quickly add that the reason I am probably so logical and ideal about forgiveness now, is because I used to be the chronic victim.  And I had to work through a lot issues surrounding that.  It’s easy for me to forget that and take it for granted when watching others struggle with being a victim or with forgiveness.

Some valuable points I learned (sorry to do bullets… but I’m so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open):

  • Forgiveness only works when you are safe and no longer a victim (for those truly in victimizing situations).
  • Forgiveness only works with healthy boundaries in place.
  • You must implement an exit strategy to be safe if you are in an unsafe environment.
  • You cannot grow in a constant state of survival.
  • You must take control of your situation – you cannot wait for your victimizer to ‘get it’, or wait for them to apologize.  It may never happen.  Take control and get safe.  Then you can take your power back and work on forgiveness.
  • The only people who can be chronically victimized WITHOUT CONSENT, are children.
  • Real love may require bold confrontation – not repeated abuse, apology, and forgiveness (a never-ending cycle).
  • Act for yourself – do not be acted upon.
  • Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.

One cheesy but good quote from Dr. Phil:

“You have to forgive people, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to be free.”

A great quote from James E. Faust, who understood that forgiveness can not be hastened in one who isn’t ready:

“Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in.”

Happy I ended up here today to bring balance to my sometimes too logical approach to forgiveness.

* * * Infertility * * *

Another amazing “accident”.  Usually I map out all of my classes that I am going to take the night before.  For this hour, I had not really looked at the schedule, because I wasn’t sure how long I might have to stay in the previous class I was hosting.  When I got out early enough, I looked at the schedule and saw the title: “Enduring Well the Journey of Infertility”.  Okay.  Wow.  On my way I rushed.

Used to classes filling up fast and sometimes not getting a seat, I rushed in the doors and walked into a virtually empty room, reminding me that I’m a minority – part of a minority’s group.  The room was quiet, awkward, and dull.  And soon to be very tearful – my own tears contributed.

The speaker was infertile for many years until finally having success with invitro fertilization.

She got us.  She got me.  She gave a poignant analogy that I cannot repeat right now – that might help one to understand what it might feel like to be infertile.  “Freak of Nature” and “Defective” are my choice words for explaining it.

In my Church it is taught that giving life is the single most virtuous and greatest thing you can do.  The first people, Adam and Eve were given their first commandment, “be fruitful and multiply”.  You can see how this can be hard on the psyche… forget about the innate urge and desire to procreate, teach and train a child, and have posterity…

Neal A. Maxwell said that some of us have trials to pass through, while others have allotments to live with.  No one escapes – no one is special.  If it’s not infertility for you – it’s something else, I know.  In a talk entitled: “Content With the Things Allotted Unto Us“, he also said that yearning childless couples have so many prickly daily reminders.

Babies and kids are everywhere.  While your friends continue to have babies through the years – you’re still fighting just to have one.  Baby showers come and go – and soon your friends kids are teenagers.  And because you haven’t had any yet – you pause for a moment thinking that is impossible, thinking you can’t be that old.  But you are.  You’re old and you have no babies.  And you cry and continue to move through life feeling insignificant and valueless, nonetheless searching for and convincing yourself you can be fulfilled, otherwise.  Hmph.

I swear my days of convincing myself that I’m at a place of being okay if I don’t end up having babies are getting more and more.  Which is a good thing, right?  But somewhere deep inside will just not be fooled.  Because I still have those moments, those unexpected moments that surprise me when that flood of emotion wells up and the tears start flowing.  I thought my tears and I made peace – but apparently not, and they seem to have the upper hand, much to my dismay.

At the risk of sounding insincere after relating all of my woes, I truly, truly trust in the Lord, His timing, and being part of a bigger plan that I cannot see.  So, while it’s still deeply painful, when all is said and done, I find peace in this.

* * * A Jewish Scholar * * *

By far, the best class I attended today.  If I could only attend one class for the rest of the week, this would be it: “Alfred Edersheim: a Jewish Scholar for the LDS community”… An orthodox Jew converted to Christianity.  He died in the late 1800’s.

Since learning about my own Jewish roots in the last year, I cannot get enough of Jewish history, culture, and religion.  I’m fascinated by it all.  And now I’m more than eager to consume all of the writings of Alfred Edersheim!!!

His works involve helping the Christian understand and appreciate Jesus the Messiah by teaching them the fullness of the Old Testament in Jewish context.

“For God to explain a trial would be to destroy its purpose, calling forth simple faith and implicit obedience.”

-Alfred Edersheim

Sorry no pictures and probably a little dry:-(  I just needed to do this brain dump and get to bed so I am well rested for tomorrow!  Hopefully I can make it back here tomorrow night.

Related posts:

A Simple Kind of Life
Who Are You?
Family History | Forgiveness for the Dead Versus for the Living

Help This American Dreamer Make Babble’s Top Mompreneur

Teresa Delfin | Founder of Mountain Mama

Teresa Delfin | Founder of Mountain Mama

Teresa Delfin has shared the stage with Oprah Winfrey, Maria Shriver, Jillian Michaels, Laila Ali, and many more, since her line, Mountain Mama, launched just over a year ago.  The acclaim she is getting is nothing short of AMAZING.  I remember meeting Teresa and her twin sister in Kindergarten.  The shy Spanish-speaking duo couldn’t speak a lick of English (at least not that I could tell).  We were on the playground and I vaguely remember trying to talk to them, being confused that they couldn’t, or didn’t, talk back.  Though we’ve been in and out of touch, Teresa and I have been friends ever since.

When we exactly could communicate, I don’t recall.  Perhaps our communication started with laughter and play, and that was all we needed.  But through the years, we graduated from playgrounds into co-ed parties.  Teresa and her sister hosted the first one near the end of the fifth grade.  How cool were they?  I can still remember the skirt I picked out – pink denim with big green paisley flowers (yikes).  These bi-lingual beauties were a long way from the timid twins I found in Kindergarten, leaping into unknown territory and bringing a slew of us with them.

Teresa’s house became the hub of many parties through the years, where lots of butterflies were felt for the first time, hearts were made (and broken).  In Junior High, she won best hair for the yearbook.  One of her best friends won best dressed (who wore all of Teresa’s clothes).  I’m pretty sure T was student body President, or some kind of reigning queen.

One of my vivid memories of T was sketching out fashion designs.  During sleepovers, a bunch of us girls would wake up in the mornings (early afternoon, more like) and there she would be, already awake and sketching.  One day she would be a fashion designer.  We all had our dreams back then.  But T’s wasn’t just a dream…

A Stanford PhD grad, Professor of Anthropology, world traveler (sometimes alone – we had tickets and plans to back-pack around Europe together and days before we were supposed to leave, my back went out.  While I stayed in bed for two weeks, she went to Europe without me!), and now, the Founder of Mountain-Mama, T has made her dream of fashion designing come true.

Mountain Mama

Her inspiration for this line came from being pregnant and not being able to find maternity clothes fit for outdoor adventure.  Being an avid rock climber, and yoga enthusiast (among other things), Teresa began creating makeshift maternity clothes for herself that would allow her the freedom and flexibility to continue doing the things she loved.  Who said pregnant Mamas couldn’t rock climb and kayak?  Being pregnant wasn’t going to stop this Mama!

Teresa Delfin | Rock Climber

Teresa Delfin | Yoga Enthusiast

Teresa Delfin | Kayaking

Teresa is one of the most capable and ambitious people I’ve ever met.

Please join me in voting for her as Babble’s Top Mompreneur.

All you need to do is click this link, find her name in the Top 4 Spots (it fluctuates due to a close race), Teresa Delfin, and click on “I Like This”.

Please help this inventive Mama make it to the top.  She is deserving… a woman who has made her way, living the American Dream.

Related posts:

Forgiveness Part II | Infertility | and a Jewish Scholar
Raising Children, Living Well, and How to Forgive