Tag: musings

{ Illusions We Can Bear To Live With }

1377205 10202034624044149 565937006 n { Illusions We Can Bear To Live With }{When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with.”} ~Anais Nin

I think people think they want the truth.  But when it doesn’t sit well in their stomach, or it leaves a bitter taste in their mouth, they can’t possibly reconcile the contradiction or justify it when it doesn’t process through their filters.

I’ve always maintained that believing something new, antithetical to our current position, is quite possibly the hardest thing one can achieve.  We love our positions.  We love finding justifications for the beliefs we already have.  We don’t want the hassle of a new belief.

We’d also rather hire a gardner to tell us how it is than to get our own hands dirty.  Gardeners come in the form of many things… Spiritual leaders, news broadcasters, political figures… these replace the hard knocks of experience, grunt work, discernment, praying, reading, and divine communication.

It is also with people… our perceptions or judgments of them.  We either hold them on a pedestal they can’t even reach, or we dismember their every moral fiber; both for the sake of convenience in chalking up the whole of them based on a perceived portion of them.

We don’t want to actually get inside someone’s head.  It’s simply too much work.

 

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{ Out of Your Bone Weary Soul }
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{ Out of Your Bone Weary Soul }

I do not understand { Out of Your Bone Weary Soul }

 

Have you ever woken up to find that your life has changed overnight?
And you wonder, how did this happen?  How did I get here?
Your choices were meant to take you somewhere else, but somehow it didn’t work out that way?
You realize you’re all alone, when you meant to have increase.
You realize you’ve opened the door wide open to many foolish paths, when you meant to follow God’s path.  And you are blind-sighted.
You realize your heartache can only get you in trouble – when you look at the paths before you and don’t see the future you thought was yours.
You sit in despair.
Like everything you thought you knew has been ripped out from under you.
Like your very heart is about to explode inside your chest from beating and searching so hard, but it has nowhere to go.
You have nowhere to go – and yet you can go anywhere, because you are tied down to nothing.
And that is the very saddest part of it all.
You belong to nothing – to no one.  Anymore.
You have no one to call home anymore.  No hands to hold your heart.
You have no place to hang your hat, your clothes, your trinkets, your collection of 37-years of life.
A gypsy, suddenly.
Your wandering heart can finally wander, but you don’t want it to.
You don’t want to face the paths that it may take on this blank canvas.
The first strokes to set the precedence, the mood, to set the next chapters of your life.
An unpaved road, an unexpected fork.
You could lay down strokes of angry black, portraying a fearful, rogue wanderer.
You could lay down strokes of fierce red, portraying a mask of distracting bold adventure.
You could lay down strokes of happy yellow, portraying a faux optimism.
You could lay down strokes of honest blue, serenely portraying your melancholy heart, surrendering sorrowfully to the reality before you, painting each stroke without pretense, but with all the passion and authenticity you can billow out of your bone weary soul.
Yes, I will paint blue.  It is the hardest.  It is the softest.

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{ Abrahamic Tests and Wandering Souls }

meII e1371685718664 { Abrahamic Tests and Wandering Souls }

I’ve headed into a “Woman Cave” for a week long honeymoon with myself and my favorite things: paper and paints, a journal and pens, profound and thought-provoking books, and passionate music; and I’m hanging a big old ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign to life so that I may enter into the bittersweet nest of introspection without unwanted interruption.

After two months of ranching (which I really regret not blogging about), witnessing more life and death than I have in my whole life, unwinding and unraveling in the beauty of alfalfa fields, mountains at sunrise and sunset, old cotton trees, running on horseback through unpaved trails, herding thousands of head of sheep to greener pastures, being away from ‘busy’ and immersed in nature and cycles of life, and feeling the most content I have ever felt in my entire life (though my skin is weathered and aged from the elements), I find myself with a new challenge.  There is no rest for a wandering soul.

Life has a way of throwing curve balls we never in our wildest dreams expect, for better or for worse.  So here I am in a little town far from home, in a tiny room, with natural hot springs within walking distance.  I’ll be pouring in knowledge and wisdom through books and authors, and painting my expressions, pouring out the emotions of my soul.  I’ll be soaking in the healing waters of mineral baths under the moonlit nights ahead, pondering the issues at hand, seeking guidance from On High.  Pushing.  Pulling.  Stretching.  Growing.

I just recently read this, and nothing rings truer right now:

God doesn’t give you the people you want,
he gives you the people you need.
to help you,
to hurt you,
to leave you,
to love you,
and to make you
the person you were
meant to be.

We have plans for our lives, and God has other plans.  We can hold tight to what we hold dear, or we can surrender our will to His.  When we tell Him we will do anything for Him, we musn’t say it casually, because He will test us, and He may not provide a ram in the thicket to bail us out.  And sometimes He asks us to do things that seem contrary to His Word, which can leave us confused.  But then we remember that asking Abraham to kill his son Isaac, wasn’t exactly orthodox, and full of contradiction, and so we can find some comfort and assurance that not everything has a textbook answer; that it is by His spirit He reveals truth unto man (John 15:26).

I’ve tried to get inside the mind of Abraham.  He was willing to face persecution.  He was willing to be misunderstood.  He was willing to be falsely accused.  He was willing to risk and give up family, and friends, like Jesus says he expects of us if we are truly willing to follow Him. (Matthew 19:29: – “And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.”)

Though I’ve not talked about it much, if at all, in this space, I am of Mormon persuasion, and our modern Scriptures declare that we must be “chastened and tried, even as Abraham” (D&C 101:4).  The Prophet Joseph Smith said, “You will have all kinds of trials to pass through.  And it is quite as necessary for you to be tried as it was for Abraham and other men of God… God will feel after you and he will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings.”

Why?

“We will take of these materials, and we will make an earth whereon these may dwell; and we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them” (Abraham 3:24–25).

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:19; emphasis added).

The Lord affirmed that He would “give unto the faithful line upon line, precept upon precept; and I will try you and prove you herewith. And whoso layeth down his life in my cause, for my name’s sake, shall find it again, even life eternal. Therefore, be not afraid of your enemies, for I have decreed in my heart, saith the Lord, that I will prove you in all things, whether you will abide in my covenant, even unto death, that you may be found worthy. For if ye will not abide in my covenant ye are not worthy of me” (D&C 98:12–15).

Abraham was tried in consequence of his righteousness.  But Abraham was not some anomaly in the Scriptures.  The Lord must try all his people “in all things, that they might be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom” (D&C 136:31).

Do we love our Lord above all?

Are we okay with rewards not of this world?

 Weighty matters to ponder, indeed.

 

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I Want God, Not My Idea of God.

I Want God I Want God, Not My Idea of God.

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simplify

p20121211 003657 simplify

simplify

Simplify
my mantra for the year
detach
declutter
disassociate
warmth and love and belonging
from things
and replace with
nurtured soul
nurtured mind
nurtured body
treasure my soul’s estate
embrace liesure
simplify
time.
ingredients.
thought.
surrounding.
let go
even of the books
everything that doesn’t belong in
quality.
primitive.
need less
to make room for more

“Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify. Simplify.”
~Henry David Thoreau

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