Tag: infertility

Healing Lazarus from Poisoning | My Lessons

I find the mysteries in life so fascinating…

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Lazarus, the dog I’d been nursing back to health after being on death’s door died yesterday, within days of my miscarriage and Mother’s Day four years ago.  He was going to be my dog when he got better.  I imagined him healthy, and strong.  I imagined his love and loyalty to me after being the only one on the ranch who gave a damn to help him.  No one even knew his name; he was a forgotten dog that came with the sheep herd.  By the time his condition was brought to my attention, he hadn’t eaten or drank anything in three days.  They believe he’d eaten something poisonous, meat from a dead animal gone bad, maybe.

I felt that I could save him, though he was already lying down on the bed of a truck with several dead lambs, as if his fate was sealed and he was going with them, to the dump that is their final resting place.  My first instinct was to give him activated charcoal, to help move the poison out, so I called my herb friend who suggested that I mix that with crushed garlic and administer via an enema.  So I did.  And he was better right away, drinking water within 30 minutes, and eating a few bites of food that day.  We also gave him essential oils to relax him, on his nose and on the pads of his paws, which are highly absorbable.  After laying there barely breathing before, he was now digging a hole in the dirt to cool off in.  He was gaining energy.

The next morning I gave him another charcoal and garlic enema, administered more oils, and also gave him minerals and probiotics to start giving him the nutrients he needed and build back up his gut flora.  He was doing better.  Every time I would administer something to him throughout the day, he would get up on all fours and drink from the water I had placed right next to him.  He still would eat little, to nothing though.  I tried raw milk, raw eggs, soft dog food, and crunchy dog food.  So I made sure to give him the minerals through an oral syringe, which he hated, so I had to use a little force.

On the third day, when I would give him the minerals, instead of swallowing, most of the time he would just let it dribble out of his mouth.  He was taking a turn for the worse.  It made me think he was giving up and wanted to die.  I would also pour liquid minerals directly onto his paws, so they could soak into him that way.

By the fourth day, he was breathing very heavy and fast, like he was grasping for air.  In asking around for help, I learned there was a veterinarian on the ranch (supposedly one of the best Vets in Mexico).  I had Marguerito (one of the ranch helpers) get in touch with him, and he said he would come see the dog.  It took him several hours to show up.  He said the dog had a bad infection in his lungs, which was why he was having trouble breathing (and eating, and only drinking a little here and there).  He said that penicillin could save him, and he had some, but no needle to inject him with it.  So I put a call into my herb friend to bring a needle to the ranch.  In the meantime, the Vet suggested we mix up some sugar/salt water for him in the oral syringe.  Our communication was very limited – he could only speak very little English, and I only very little Spanish.  Marguerito translated for us when he was around.

Knowing that he was a Vet, I asked him to administer the oral syringe while we waited for the needle to show up – that when I did it, Laz would often let it dribble back out of his mouth.  I figured the Vet would have had done this hundreds of times and knew an efficient (and safe) technique to help the dog keep it down.  He had Marguerito hold Laz’s head back while he administered the syringe.  I was unnerved by the way they were jostling him around when he had very little strength.  Marguerito forced Lazarus’s head back for too long that he suffocated him.  Laz died with Marguerito’s arms around his neck, went limp and fell to the ground.

Words cannot describe my heartbreak in that moment.  After all the gentle love and care I was giving him, these men didn’t take into account Laz’s fragility and sickly state.  I couldn’t help myself from falling apart in front of them, just bawling, and walking away.  I watched from a distance as they tried to revive him, to manipulate his limp body to let the fluid drain back out, but it was too late.  Those poor men couldn’t even look at me.  They just killed the dog I had been delicately and tediously caring for in the several days before, by their carelessness and inconsideration.

My friend called while at the store looking for clarification on the needle.

“Don’t bother,” I said.  “He’s gone.”

She came right over and we hugged and cried.

I was weeping off and on throughout the day.  Mark took me to go sit in a hot tub, to try to get away and relax a little bit.  He held me in the water as I cried and expressed how badly I wanted to save Lazarus.  He replied, “maybe you did.” <3

The day before Lazarus died, I told him that he should go if he didn’t want to fight, but that I really wanted him to make it and that I would keep being there for him because I loved him.  I also told him that we would see each other again in heaven, and that I would claim him – he could be mine, since no one else was there for him in his dying days.  I am a believer that animals do go to heaven – you can’t look an animal in the eyes and tell me they don’t have a soul.  Lazarus is surely there now.

Of course I named him Lazarus with the full hope and expectation that he would surely make it after those first signs of coming back to life after that first enema.

As always, I am looking for learning opportunities, and experiencing fully whatever is going on around me.

Marguerito, who has always been very kind to me since we met a month ago, called me last night.

“How are you, Mija?”

“I’m okay, Marguerito.”

“You think I kill your dog?”

Yes. “No, Marguerito, I think you were trying to help.”

“I sorry, Mija.  I see how you cry.  You have beautiful soul, you beautiful person inside and outside.  You come to the church with me tomorrow?”

See, how sweet he is?  I cannot be mad at Marguerito.  He was only trying to help.  Maybe Marguerito needed to see a softer side of humanity in me.  It is more than likely Laz wouldn’t have made it, and for all I know, they helped him out of his suffering, and I might have only prolonged it.  And truly, my anger can only be directed at myself, for not trusting myself to take care of him.

As for the Vet – it turns out that the Mexican government took him out of prison and sent him to work here (I guess that is not too uncommon – it is a way to make room in their prisons and a way for Americans to hire very cheap labor).  The story I’m told is that he killed someone in self defense.  Now it’s easy to start making judgments – whether he did it in self defense or not, is not for me to decide.  But my experience of him was a kind man, who wanted to help me and Lazarus, and took the time to do it.  Maybe he has some things to face regarding death.  Who knows what the death of this dog in his hands has brought back up for him?

As for me, it is Mother’s Day, four years ago I miscarried, and today I will bury the doggie I so desperately wanted to save and have in my life.

What are all the connections, coincidences, and reasons the Mexican Vet, the Mexican helper, Marguerito, and Lazarus and I were thrown together in this random situation at this ranch all far from our homes?  I can’t say for sure, but beyond the sadness it fascinates me, like all circumstances like it, believing in no accidents and no wasted experiences.

Our lives are chalk full of happy and tragic accidents, and strange coincidences.  When I get to heaven, I want to walk back through my life and see them plainly – how they all assisted me in my progress and growth as a human being.  I want to see that everything mattered, and everything counted for my experience.

I believe!

Lazarus, forever in my heart!

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~ Family, Flowers, Fertility ~

IMG 20120907 113030 e1347068989863 ~ Family, Flowers, Fertility ~

My sweet grandson was over on Labor Day.  He came in from playing outside holding the first two purple flowers.  He handed them to me, “these are for you Grandma Angel!”  After being thrilled about receiving them, he came in with one more, beaming, loving the joy he was giving to me. <3

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Landon and Korbin.  Grandsons.  Cousins.  Playmates.  Cuteness.

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Korbin.  Tea for one.  Sitting on a tea cup.  : )

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Good to see family that has been away for months.  A game of cards.  Texting.  And an apple.  Off they go again.  Will miss them.  Is Korbin not the cutest?

IMG 20120906 192314 Shaan50 e1347069909798 ~ Family, Flowers, Fertility ~

The simple solution for infertility.  We’ll see.  : )  Actually… I have a good feeling about this. I feel like my time is coming.  This morning I wrote about 1200 words on this renewed hope and gut feeling.  Not sharing here.  Not yet.  Meeting with Shirlyn next week for acupressure on my ovaries/fallopian tubes.

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Perseverance.  Oh, and I just noticed my horsey in the background between the chairs : )

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One of my latest paintings.

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection and saw a divine soul.
A child of the Creator, an heir of the Kingdom.
The light you saw in me set me free.
My life work yet to be, unfurling so delicately.
I’m weaving the parts together that came undone.”

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share save 256 24 ~ Family, Flowers, Fertility ~

The Tapestry of My Life

TapestryofMyLifeVintagecrop1024 e1346209337482 The Tapestry of My Life

All of the modern day gurus, such as Anthony Robbins and Joel Osteen, are telling us not to accept things as they are, but to instead create the life we want. I’ve lived many years of my life subscribing to this philosophy.

But what happens when things are out of our control? What’s happened to me is a torrent of unnecessary frustration and pain. While I’m sure there is a time and a place to create the things in life we want, isn’t there also a time and a place for surrender? Surrender is what I am subscribing to at this time and place in my life. And while it may sound abhoring and weak to some, it feels like exactly where I need to be to be free of the chains of outcome and control.

Interestingly enough, as with many modern philosophies in life, the ancient gurus preach a different twist on this philosophy. They teach surrender. “You must learn to accept with love whatever comes your way,” says the movie The Nuns Story. (Thank you, Joanne, for directing me to this – what a whirl of inspiration I have been receiving since reading these words.)

Admittedly, years ago, I would have gagged at this quote. I would have thought how poor and miserable it would be to live in that space of victim and non-creation. But having been through too many circumstances which I’ve tried to control, and can’t seem to despite my very best efforts, I’m finding peace and freedom in ‘surrender’. I’ve let go of ‘victim’ and ‘surrender’ being synonomous.

Marcus Aurelius says, “Accept the things to which fate binds you.” and “Accept whatever comes to you woven in the pattern of your destiny, for what could more aptly fit your needs?”

I am finding his philosophy not only freeing, but highly romantic as well. I picture a gorgeous tapestry, woven together piece by piece, with fragments I don’t understand… their color, their shape, their size, and not until the tapestry is complete, or my life is over, perhaps it won’t be until then that I can see the picture and how perfectly beautiful all of the lessons fit together until I was ripe enough to fall from the vine, or pass through this life. The beauty of the thought brings peace and trust to my soul.

Until then, I’ll remain open and available to all the things my soul longs for. But I’ll let go of the chains of control that leave me in bondage to the have-nots. Instead, while fate works out my tapestry, I will live with intention and surrender, with gratitude for the blessings in my life.

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.” -Marcus Aurelius

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~ My Family ~

woofs e1345602385564 ~ My Family ~

Officially known as Woofie Marie Kemp.
She has my middle name, and Mark’s last name :-)
Over 7 years old now.  She still acts like a playful pup.
Sweet as can be.  Will submit to a Chihuahua.  Wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Follows me around while I feed the other animals.
Feels lucky she is the only one that ever gets to come in the house.  (wild guess)

duckschicks e1345602722256 ~ My Family ~

When we went to get our chickens, I saw the ducks.
Had to have them.  Had to.
We thought we were getting two females.  We didn’t.  They hump a lot.  A lot.
They are noisy as heck, quacking every time they see us.
They want to be noticed, I guess.
They love frozen peas.
They rule over the chickens – but they all hang out.
The chickens come running out to me whenever I go around the horse.
The one facing this way is mean.  He pecks at my feet and legs.
So I started wearing my cowboy boots every time I go out, so I won’t get hurt.
But he’s missing now.
Some neighbors complained (rightfully so) that the chickens kept coming into their yard and messing things up.  So we had to contain them.  Miss Meany escaped and we haven’t seen her for days.  Smart one.  I wonder where her new home is.

raja e1345603221278 ~ My Family ~

This boy’s name was Photon when I got him.  But I couldn’t connect with it, so I changed it.
I had reviewed many names but nothing was sounding good.
So I asked to have a dream to find out his name.  I did.
I woke up with “Raja” on my mind.  Perfect!
Arabian – to suite his breed.
Pretty.  Yet masculine.
We both seem to love it.
Two people I have met while out riding told me he looks like a ‘Raja’.  Yeeeaah.
He brings tons of joy into my life.
I love him.

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My main squeezie.
Best husband ever.
He has the biggest heart.
I wish everyone knew him like I did.

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Mua.

It’s not the family I imagined, but it’s the family that I love. <3

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A New Day Has Come ~ A Poem

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Sometimes inspiration knocks so subtly, we can hear it only if we’re quiet.
What have we been missing when the noise in our head is left boundary-less?
Who have we been withholding from?
Who has been withholding from us?

Sometimes glimmers of hope are sparkled like fairy dust on the most fragile parts of our hearts.
How many time have we not seen it because it’s been swallowed up by murky waters?

Sometimes in strange and beautiful moments, you’re clear.
And the earth angels are clear.
All at once.
And inspiration is received and bestowed in most inconceivably glorious ways.

And you feel so close to heaven.

And the pain is nudged out by the hope.

And the heart leaps into Spring.

And a new day has come.

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