Entries by angela

My Miracle | the Fulfillment of a Dream

This is what 41 looks like for me.  You are looking at a miracle.  Today is my birthday and the celebration of the first day of my second trimester.  A nearly 20-year-old dream fulfilled.  I am pregnant!  And huge for only 14-weeks!!!  Haha!!!  (There better be twins in there!)

God opened my barren womb.  It is the fulfillment of his many promises to me in my sacred prayers and through the blessings of inspired people that I would have children.  It is the result of a thousand prayers and at least as many tears.  God is faithful and my joy is exceeding.

In many ways I have been a gypsy, a transient in this world.  No roots, no home for very long, no sense of belonging.  But I will be his/hers and he/she will be mine and nothing will ever change that.

I am not the end of the line of my progenitors anymore.  I have hope now of continuing on, worlds without end, progeny of my own.  The dream doesn’t die with me.

I will have a flower to watch grow, to feed and nourish and strengthen and be enraptured by his/her blooming beauty.  I will feed him/her and he/she will strengthen me.  He/She will suckle at my breast and he/she will give me life.

He/She will be my very own.  I get stewardship of a glorious, magical soul from heaven, a child of God entrusted to my care.  A heavenly being to help navigate this life.

He/She is the fulfillment of a 20+ year old dream. For some this comes easy, this comes unintentionally, this comes unwanted.  This miracle in my womb cannot be more wanted, could not be more dreamed about, prayed for, mourned over.  God is faithful.  And I will be his faithful steward of his child.  Can there be any greater pursuit in this life?  Can there be anything more redeeming than to give your life for a child?

For the day will come when I will finally hear the words, “Mother, I love you.”  And I will love him/her to the moon and back.  I will give my all, my life for another.  I’ve waited my whole life for this.  

There is nothing I have done to bring this about.  It was all in His timing.  He told me it would be as much years ago, as I found myself frantically stressed about making it happen.  Surely there was another herb I could try, a procedure to have, more/better exercise, better nutrition, more faithful prayers, some magic drug.  “No,” he said, “Be still.  I am in control of this.  It won’t be anything you do that will bring it about.  It will be in my timing.  Relax.”  

I am infinitely grateful for my faithful, loving, and committed husband who exhibited great faith in the manifestation of this miracle.  He carried me in my times of faithlessness as of late.  He believed when I couldn’t any longer.  He is steadfast, a man of principle, and a rock that I can lean upon.  How comforting it is to be able to fall apart and be caught in his strong arms.  How glorious to be able to rejoice together.  

“We should never know the music of the harp if the strings were left untouched; nor enjoy the juice of the grape if it were not trodden in the winepress; nor discover the sweet perfume of cinnamon if it were not pressed and beaten; nor feel the warmth of fire if the coals were not utterly consumed. The wisdom and power of the great Workman are discovered by the trials through which his vessels of mercy are permitted to pass. Present afflictions tend also to heighten future joy. There must be shades in the picture to bring out the beauty of the lights.”  ~Charles Spurgeon

Today I rejoice!  There is hope on the other side of grief.  Always.  

Share

~{ I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me }~

I Can Do All Things Ring

I did not go home for Christmas this year, because I wanted solitude and reflection, instead.  But I missed my family very much ~ more than I thought I would.  I received one gift in the mail.  It was from my Dad.  This ring was tucked away inside a burlap pencil pouch.  I cried the instant I saw it.  And then I read the message inscribed on it, and cried some more.  Could my Dad have any idea what this means to me?  Was he inspired?  I don’t know how he meant it, but I know how I received it.

In addition to the sentiment of the ring, the message that is inscribed is perfect and fitting:

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13”

I’m sure that it was made as some kind of chastity ring, and that is great, too, but the sentiment goes much deeper for me.  And I think it did for him, too.

Though I have been a pain in the ass for my dad, he has always been constant in my life.  And I love him for it.  And I love him for this ring.  I wear it proudly and thoughtfully.  Throughout the day I am constantly reminded of the message inscribed on it, and inscribed in my heart.  And I believe.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Thank you, Dad.  I love you.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me ring

I can do all things ring

And yes, this is the first time I’ve written in over a year in this space.  I’d like it to become a habit again.  I enjoy it, and haven’t made time for it.  That needs to change.
~Angela

Related posts:

Valentines Shmalentines
Forgiveness Part II | Infertility | and a Jewish Scholar
Shadow and Light | Opposition Equals Beauty
Share

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I’m loving “If You Forget Me” by Pablo Neruda right now.

Listen my audio recording of this poem while you read, here.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Related posts:

Hold Onto the Child
My Heart Goes Longing
Poetry Reading | The Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda
Share

{ Ascension }

{Purple | For Jenny}

{Purple | For Jenny}

there never was ascension
without climbing the mountain
what is your priority?
comfort? or exaltation?

Related posts:

Discovering Myself in Art
Art Journal Page of a Highly Sensitive Person
Giveaway | Not a Pretty Girl
Share

{ Illusions We Can Bear To Live With }

Angela DiGiovanni | Anais Nin{When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with.”} ~Anais Nin

I think people think they want the truth.  But when it doesn’t sit well in their stomach, or it leaves a bitter taste in their mouth, they can’t possibly reconcile the contradiction or justify it when it doesn’t process through their filters.

I’ve always maintained that believing something new, antithetical to our current position, is quite possibly the hardest thing one can achieve.  We love our positions.  We love finding justifications for the beliefs we already have.  We don’t want the hassle of a new belief.

We’d also rather hire a gardner to tell us how it is than to get our own hands dirty.  Gardeners come in the form of many things… Spiritual leaders, news broadcasters, political figures… these replace the hard knocks of experience, grunt work, discernment, praying, reading, and divine communication.

It is also with people… our perceptions or judgments of them.  We either hold them on a pedestal they can’t even reach, or we dismember their every moral fiber; both for the sake of convenience in chalking up the whole of them based on a perceived portion of them.

We don’t want to actually get inside someone’s head.  It’s simply too much work.

 

Related posts:

Sleep Versus the Creative Flow
Seeing the Trees Through the Forest by Stepping Back
Thanksgiving | Real People, Real Struggles
Share