The Childless Mother

My Miracle | the Fulfillment of a Dream

December 30, 2016

This is what 41 looks like for me.  You are looking at a miracle.  Today is my birthday and the celebration of the first day of my second trimester.  A nearly 20-year-old dream fulfilled.  I am pregnant!  And huge for only 14-weeks!!!  Haha!!!  (There better be twins in there!)

God opened my barren womb.  It is the fulfillment of his many promises to me in my sacred prayers and through the blessings of inspired people that I would have children.  It is the result of a thousand prayers and at least as many tears.  God is faithful and my joy is exceeding.

In many ways I have been a gypsy, a transient in this world.  No roots, no home for very long, no sense of belonging.  But I will be his/hers and he/she will be mine and nothing will ever change that.

I am not the end of the line of my progenitors anymore.  I have hope now of continuing on, worlds without end, progeny of my own.  The dream doesn’t die with me.

I will have a flower to watch grow, to feed and nourish and strengthen and be enraptured by his/her blooming beauty.  I will feed him/her and he/she will strengthen me.  He/She will suckle at my breast and he/she will give me life.

He/She will be my very own.  I get stewardship of a glorious, magical soul from heaven, a child of God entrusted to my care.  A heavenly being to help navigate this life.

He/She is the fulfillment of a 20+ year old dream. For some this comes easy, this comes unintentionally, this comes unwanted.  This miracle in my womb cannot be more wanted, could not be more dreamed about, prayed for, mourned over.  God is faithful.  And I will be his faithful steward of his child.  Can there be any greater pursuit in this life?  Can there be anything more redeeming than to give your life for a child?

For the day will come when I will finally hear the words, “Mother, I love you.”  And I will love him/her to the moon and back.  I will give my all, my life for another.  I’ve waited my whole life for this.  

There is nothing I have done to bring this about.  It was all in His timing.  He told me it would be as much years ago, as I found myself frantically stressed about making it happen.  Surely there was another herb I could try, a procedure to have, more/better exercise, better nutrition, more faithful prayers, some magic drug.  “No,” he said, “Be still.  I am in control of this.  It won’t be anything you do that will bring it about.  It will be in my timing.  Relax.”  

I am infinitely grateful for my faithful, loving, and committed husband who exhibited great faith in the manifestation of this miracle.  He carried me in my times of faithlessness as of late.  He believed when I couldn’t any longer.  He is steadfast, a man of principle, and a rock that I can lean upon.  How comforting it is to be able to fall apart and be caught in his strong arms.  How glorious to be able to rejoice together.  

“We should never know the music of the harp if the strings were left untouched; nor enjoy the juice of the grape if it were not trodden in the winepress; nor discover the sweet perfume of cinnamon if it were not pressed and beaten; nor feel the warmth of fire if the coals were not utterly consumed. The wisdom and power of the great Workman are discovered by the trials through which his vessels of mercy are permitted to pass. Present afflictions tend also to heighten future joy. There must be shades in the picture to bring out the beauty of the lights.”  ~Charles Spurgeon

Today I rejoice!  There is hope on the other side of grief.  Always.  

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