The Childless Mother

Natural Infertility Treatment | A New Journey

August 25, 2011
Mother Needs Baby, As Much as Baby Needs Mother
Mother Needs Baby, As Much as Baby Needs Mother

Mother Needs Baby, As Much as Baby Needs Mother | by Angela DiGiovanni

Yesterday I met with a Naturopath, Dr. Jensen, who I am going to be working with for one year to make a last ditch effort to get pregnant and carry a child to term.  My first meeting with him regarding infertility was grim.  He was honest.  And it stung.  I’m getting old for a healthy pregnancy, he said.

Continuing, he said that he has a 90% success rate, working with infertile women!!!  Holy smokes, my heart jumped.  “But,” he said, “I’ve never worked with anyone your age.”  Ouch.  Nothing like rubbing salt into the wound.  But seriously… 90%?  I so have hope in this process right now.

I can’t count how many times I’ve gone back and forth the last year – deciding to give up, freeing myself of the emotional turmoil of trying for a baby closing in on year five now, and then half-heartedly convincing myself to keep going, that I can do this.  I’ve countless times firmly decided recently that I can have a fulfilling life without children – no screaming kids in the grocery store, no demands, no schedules, no restrictions…. ahhhh.  Sounds like freedom, right?  YES, I convince myself…

…until something unexpectedly triggers my deep down yearning for a child, the yearning I’ve been trying desperately to ignore lately, and the emotion creeps up like a thief in the night, and the tears just fall.  How can this be, I wonder.  I’ve decided I’m done – I’m over it.

But I cannot fool myself, hard as I may try.

I had lunch with a friend a few weeks ago, who said, “try all that you can try before giving up, so you’ll never have to wonder.”  And that’s been haunting me (in a good way – as it has inspired and motivated me to this new action).

It’s usually an awkward conversation when people ask, “well what have you tried?”  Have I tried everything there is to try?  Certainly not.  It is very, very expensive to obtain assistance in having a baby if you aren’t naturally blessed.  Tens of thousands of dollars can be spent without a guaranteed outcome.  So, for one, I don’t have the resources for those avenues.  And, two, I’ve never felt impressed to go down any of them.  But I knew my friend didn’t mean these ways.

I’ve always believed that if I am to have a baby, it will happen naturally, and at the right time for my child(ren).  But have I tried everything within that scope?  No.  And God blessed me with a loving friend who gently encouraged me to dive a little deeper.

So I feel very good about this path with my holistic doctor.  The first time I worked with him several years ago, I had so many health problems – with my kidneys and liver, mainly.  After these several years of implementing the practices he taught me, my kidneys and liver checked out perfect yesterday.  I was thrilled to see it.

My experience, plus his result of 90% of previously infertile women bearing children after his treatments is very, very encouraging.  After this year, I think I can feel complete – that I tried my best.  If my arms are full as a result, of course I will be thrilled.  If I am to remain a Childless Mother, then I believe I can finally find peace, let go of the process, and work on the plans for the rest of my life accordingly.

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  • Reply Christina August 25, 2011 at 11:12 PM

    This might be the only comment of this kind, and I pray my boldness doesn’t harm our relationship but we both know I can’t hold something back if I feel strongly enough about it, so I apologize in advance. (Edit: I realize as I write this that this was really for my benefit and self discovery not for you, thank you for letting me ramble my late night thoughts)

    Personally If I were to limit what i was to try in this avenue, I couldn’t possibly feel like I gave it my best. I understand that perhaps I take things too far and that the things I sometimes do are not healthy but it is how i have to live. To quote a smart man- I would rather fail spectacularly than wonder.

    Is there pain in the hopes of trying a thousand different ways? A sharp piercing one with every single failure, even when the odds are 1% you know you still held that hope that was crushed.

    I personally do not know what this pain would feel like. But I have wanted another child for years and know that I can’t right now, I feel at least some what connected to this subject because of that.

    I know different roads have their price tags attached, but I bet there would be lots of people who would help, at least a little. This may sound silly, but I see visions of fundraising-- jars at gas stations, car washes, talking to colleges or specialists about a new medical attempt at the cost of the school pro-Bono applications, I know I don’t have much, but I personally would be willing to direct deposit money every month into an account for you to use for this and i am more than happy to donate any time for businesses etc to contribute to the cause as well.

    Can I put this into a different perspective? If you had a child, what would you be willing to do to for his/her life? With the thought of your child’s life being on the line, when do you throw in the towel? If your patr. blss. says it, then don’t let anything get in the way. I know that it is an old clip and I only saw it once 2 decades ago, but the part of Saturday’s Warrior where the little girl is waiting to come down comes to mind.

    It seems from what you have shared with me that a good chunk of your life has been mostly testing your faith in different things. I for one struggle in that area of life horribly. I feel that my life has been mostly testing my ability to forgive (another area I struggle with deeply) and I find myself asking….. What to draw from life’s recent events. Perhaps it is because where I have found myself here and now. Struggling to find my path. Perhaps to you, my path is clear and perhaps to me, your path is clear. Which is another testament to why we walk the paths we do and why we have the people in our lives that we do. The funny thing is I feel like I have been ‘off’ my path for so long and I need to get back on it. I am sitting here wondering if you too have felt that, at least in this aspect of life. And the interesting thing is we are walking the path whether we realize it and want to or not. Perhaps my trouble is that I am so busy looking around for paths I am not watching where my feet are walking and I keep stumbling over things that really would not be such a big deal otherwise. Everything has felt like such a big deal lately.

    So as I sit here at one in the morning, crying, wanting to go home, I go back to my the feeling I’ve had throughout my life of wanting to go home, and not feeling that the house I lived in was a sufficient medicine but rather a band-aid for a deeper ache. Is it possible that your longing is that of a deeper ache too? I was listening to one of my talks on cd today and wanted to share this poem that was quoted since i feel this is where I am currently living and beginning to grow gratitude for. Sometimes i wonder if we are to stay in the situation we are in until we somehow in life have a moment of gratitude before it is passed from us. Thoughts? Here is that poem that was so meaningful for me.

    I walked a mile with Pleasure
    She chattered all the way,
    But there was nothing I could learn
    From all she had to say.

    I walked a mile with Sorrow
    And never a word said she;
    But, oh, all the things I learned
    When Sorrow walked with me.

    (~POEM: ‘Pleasure & Sorrow’)

    Know that my heart is with you, even when I am so shy at sharing my tender side. It has grown a bit shy and honestly bitter these past few years. Maybe my trials right now are to soften it up some…

    Love you, Night



    angela Reply:

    Christina, you bring up so many good points, and, as always, you are very insightful (where’s your blog?).

    I’ve never seen Saturday’s Warrior, but I’m intrigued. I’ll check it out.

    Yes, I definitely think that our heartaches stem from something deeper, something we don’t even know to speak about. A longing so great for our home with our God and our Father in Heaven. Removed from our memories, yet a strong and motivating ever-present feeling in our hearts as we make our way back to Him by passing through this life the best ways we know how.

    You saying you struggle with forgiveness is so ironic to me. You are one of the best examples I know of on the subject. Giving those you love the space to be them, to make mistakes, to find their way, to watch them and love them independently of how you might be affected by their choices. I wonder if this greatest test you think you have has become one of your greatest strengths because of how diligently you have worked through it.

    As far as being off path… yes, I can relate -- it’s like you wake up one day (or many days) and think, how did I get here? How can I be 35 already? How is it that I am not a mother? A property owner? What have I done with my life that contributes to the world?

    And yes, it is always easy to see clearly the choices you think someone else could/should make to get on a worthy path in life. But that is because we are not accountable or responsible for those choices, so they come of no consequence to us.

    I do think that part of the process is finding peace/contentment/gratitude for NOW. These are our lives NOW. Our lives are not tomorrow or in two years, nor yesterday. Believing this is how we get to 35 years of age and wondering where your life went.

    There are lessons in everything, and mistakes can be one stepping stone closer to the life we wish to live, to the person we wish to be… if we will let them. If we will only continue it guilt, that guilt will bind us and close us off to growth. Repentance/acceptance/gratitude (whatever the case may be) can be a springboard into new life if we will take advantage of those gifts.

    I love the poem, it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson: “When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.” I believe our adversities are truly a gift and we can find our greatest fulfillment because in them we are truly introduced to ourselves. And so better to know the great joy that can only come from knowing the equal parts dark -- than to live in shallow pleasure.

    My heart aches for you and the pain and suffering you have endured over the years. But I love the woman you are because of it. If you stay True North, you cannot get lost. I pray you will find the time to be alone, to breathe, to sleep, to ponder, and to pray. To make those quiet moments happen -- stop all the rushing around, just BE. Be with yourself and with your thoughts and with your prayers. This is vital to rising above, to staying sane, to finding your way. He can’t whisper to you in a frenzied state.

    I love you with all my heart.


  • Reply Tammy Olson August 28, 2011 at 8:46 AM

    Hi Angela,
    I’m stopping by from the e-course. What a beautiful painting. So much emotion and love felt in it. The sweet little faces. May you find peace in which ever way the road leads you.


    angela Reply:

    @Tammy Olson,

    Thank you so much for your nice sentiments, Tammy, and for stopping by.


  • Reply Leah Badertscher August 29, 2011 at 6:56 PM


    I’m also stopping by from the e-course. As I mentioned in an email, I love the aesthetic of your site and that is just carried to the n’th degree with this painting -- so very lovely. I’m also deeply moved by this post. You and your yearnings for a baby will be in my prayers.
    May you be held in comfort and grace-


    angela Reply:

    @Leah Badertscher,

    Thank you, Leah -- I’m touched that you like my painting so much. You are sweet to think of me in your prayers <3


  • Reply Kathleen September 4, 2011 at 10:00 PM


    Thank you for being so vulnerable with what you wrote. I can’t even imagine what this must be like for you. I have a son and was pregnant a second time and miscarried. I had such a desire for another child, but for many reasons I decided I would not try for more, but I had still had a strong desire for another child even after I made this decision.

    I prayed and asked God to take this feeling away if I wasn’t going to have any more children, and over time He did. I have peace in my heart that I made the right decision even though I dearly love children.

    I am saying a prayer for you now -- that God will lead you in the direction He desires you to go -- that it will be very clear to you and you will be at peace with your decision.

    I don’t blame you for wanting to try with this Holistic practitioner -- especially since you had such great results working with him before.



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