Yesterday I met with a Naturopath, Dr. Jensen, who I am going to be working with for one year to make a last ditch effort to get pregnant and carry a child to term. My first meeting with him regarding infertility was grim. He was honest. And it stung. I’m getting old for a healthy pregnancy, he said.
Continuing, he said that he has a 90% success rate, working with infertile women!!! Holy smokes, my heart jumped. “But,” he said, “I’ve never worked with anyone your age.” Ouch. Nothing like rubbing salt into the wound. But seriously… 90%? I so have hope in this process right now.
I can’t count how many times I’ve gone back and forth the last year – deciding to give up, freeing myself of the emotional turmoil of trying for a baby closing in on year five now, and then half-heartedly convincing myself to keep going, that I can do this. I’ve countless times firmly decided recently that I can have a fulfilling life without children – no screaming kids in the grocery store, no demands, no schedules, no restrictions…. ahhhh. Sounds like freedom, right? YES, I convince myself…
…until something unexpectedly triggers my deep down yearning for a child, the yearning I’ve been trying desperately to ignore lately, and the emotion creeps up like a thief in the night, and the tears just fall. How can this be, I wonder. I’ve decided I’m done – I’m over it.
But I cannot fool myself, hard as I may try.
I had lunch with a friend a few weeks ago, who said, “try all that you can try before giving up, so you’ll never have to wonder.” And that’s been haunting me (in a good way – as it has inspired and motivated me to this new action).
It’s usually an awkward conversation when people ask, “well what have you tried?” Have I tried everything there is to try? Certainly not. It is very, very expensive to obtain assistance in having a baby if you aren’t naturally blessed. Tens of thousands of dollars can be spent without a guaranteed outcome. So, for one, I don’t have the resources for those avenues. And, two, I’ve never felt impressed to go down any of them. But I knew my friend didn’t mean these ways.
I’ve always believed that if I am to have a baby, it will happen naturally, and at the right time for my child(ren). But have I tried everything within that scope? No. And God blessed me with a loving friend who gently encouraged me to dive a little deeper.
So I feel very good about this path with my holistic doctor. The first time I worked with him several years ago, I had so many health problems – with my kidneys and liver, mainly. After these several years of implementing the practices he taught me, my kidneys and liver checked out perfect yesterday. I was thrilled to see it.
My experience, plus his result of 90% of previously infertile women bearing children after his treatments is very, very encouraging. After this year, I think I can feel complete – that I tried my best. If my arms are full as a result, of course I will be thrilled. If I am to remain a Childless Mother, then I believe I can finally find peace, let go of the process, and work on the plans for the rest of my life accordingly.